About 2 months ago I was asked for ID when buying a lottery ticket. You have to be 16-I am 26. I wasn't offended, but I wasn't flattered. I am a married woman, I shop in Coast for cocktail dresses, I pay someone to blow-dry my hair when I'm going to a black-tie event, I read the Sunday papers and goddamit, I get parts of my body waxed! OK, so I admit it, I wasn't wearing make up that day and by no means am I turning my nose up at looking young, but sometimes I would like to look like the young woman I feel I am.
People at college think I'm about 18-19, so when the tutor asked if anyone was married and I raised my hand, they all had the same expression of 'what the fuck?'. Not even curiosity, just 'what the fuck?'. I felt embarrassed. I really did want to shout, 'No, it's OK everyone, I'm 26, it's perfectly acceptable: I'm a Grown Up.' And then it dawned on me, I'm not really a Grown Up, because I still give a crap what a roomful of strangers think. Teenagers no less! I mean, as a Grown Up aren't you meant to lose all self consciousness and feel comfortable in your own skin? You're able to look that school bully in the eye, and forgive them for the years of torture because really, they were the tortured souls? NO! I'd still like to punch those bitches in the face, or at least find out they got really, really fat.
My husband told me at 27 he felt like he crossed a bridge and started to feel happy with who he was. I don't feel like the 16 year old girl I was, I am finding Radio 1 really tedious after all, but I'm still not quite there when it comes to 'knowing who I am'. And that's important isn't it? There are lots of people who tell me I'm This or That, good for them, they can fully break down and access my entire being with one flippant remark and carry on with their day. Does anyone else feel disturbed by this? And then to throw it all off balance, I go and take on a new name, so I'm not even Adele Reeves anymore. Who is this Adele Jackson? Am I more confident with my husband's name? Do people regard me any differently? Am I clone to my single girlfriends, a sell-out, like I was fleeing Singledom? Or with a Mrs instead of Miss am I perceived as someone who is more together? Or am I just a smug -married?
I don't know the answers. But I don't need to know them for now, or ever. I like not knowing. I am only 26 after all. I suppose one thing I can recognise is that these 18 year olds think they know everything- they don't. So if being a Grown Up means admitting I know nothing I'm definitely 'there', and I'm really happy to be here.
People at college think I'm about 18-19, so when the tutor asked if anyone was married and I raised my hand, they all had the same expression of 'what the fuck?'. Not even curiosity, just 'what the fuck?'. I felt embarrassed. I really did want to shout, 'No, it's OK everyone, I'm 26, it's perfectly acceptable: I'm a Grown Up.' And then it dawned on me, I'm not really a Grown Up, because I still give a crap what a roomful of strangers think. Teenagers no less! I mean, as a Grown Up aren't you meant to lose all self consciousness and feel comfortable in your own skin? You're able to look that school bully in the eye, and forgive them for the years of torture because really, they were the tortured souls? NO! I'd still like to punch those bitches in the face, or at least find out they got really, really fat.
My husband told me at 27 he felt like he crossed a bridge and started to feel happy with who he was. I don't feel like the 16 year old girl I was, I am finding Radio 1 really tedious after all, but I'm still not quite there when it comes to 'knowing who I am'. And that's important isn't it? There are lots of people who tell me I'm This or That, good for them, they can fully break down and access my entire being with one flippant remark and carry on with their day. Does anyone else feel disturbed by this? And then to throw it all off balance, I go and take on a new name, so I'm not even Adele Reeves anymore. Who is this Adele Jackson? Am I more confident with my husband's name? Do people regard me any differently? Am I clone to my single girlfriends, a sell-out, like I was fleeing Singledom? Or with a Mrs instead of Miss am I perceived as someone who is more together? Or am I just a smug -married?
I don't know the answers. But I don't need to know them for now, or ever. I like not knowing. I am only 26 after all. I suppose one thing I can recognise is that these 18 year olds think they know everything- they don't. So if being a Grown Up means admitting I know nothing I'm definitely 'there', and I'm really happy to be here.
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